A few years ago, I ran a Ragnar race with a team of seven other women. We each ran approximately 20 miles over a 24-hour period. Everyone’s races were at different times of the night or day, but as a team, we never stopped running. In between races, we wiped off (no running water available), changed clothes, ate, and then slept in our sleeping bags under a tent. We were sweaty, cold, tired, uncomfortable, but oddly enough, the experience was incredible, and I would do it all over again. Nothing beat the feeling of crossing the finish line as a team, knowing we had accomplished something hard together.

Disciplining your kids is a lot like running a Ragnar. It’s uncomfortable, exhausting, and it’s never convenient. But crossing the finish line and seeing the fruit of all those inconvenient moments add up into something beautiful is something you do not want to miss.

Yes, disciplining your kids is tough, but like the cup says, so are you.

Several months ago, when my daughter, Caroline, turned 16, I posted about the benefits of persevering in discipline with your kids when all you want to do is throw in the towel (to see the post, click here).

Caroline was my toughest toddler. Screaming and yelling, “NO!” at me was her favorite past- time; she was not afraid to go toe-to-toe with authority figures and seemed to enjoy the challenge. Persevering in discipline with her was not easy; it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

But I have enjoyed the fruit of that discipline every day in my daughter’s teenage years. She is truly a delight. She is still not afraid to go toe-to-toe with me, but she has learned to use her voice respectfully and her strength for good. Through my post, I wanted to encourage parents with young children that as hard as discipline is, the rewards ahead are immense when you are willing to be inconvenienced.

While I hoped the post might resonate with a few people, I was shocked at the level of response I received. To date, there have been over 98,000 views of the post, it’s been shared almost 2,000 times, and I received 85 comments and questions. I have read through every single question, and while I wish I had time to have a one-on-one conversation with every single parent who is at the end of his or her rope and in need of guidance and encouragement, I wanted to respond here with some of tips on discipline I’ve learned over the years with my four daughters.

But before I give you the tips, I want to give you the why. Why is discipline so necessary and so good in the lives of our children?

The Why

Hebrews 12:7-11 says this,

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Discipline is the proof that we are children of God; it is the mark of His love on our lives. He loves us too much to leave us to walk through life with our own unaided wisdom. We need the comfort, surety, and discipline of His hand shaping our moments, shaving off our sharp edges, and guiding us down the path every step of the way.

And God’s discipline always yields good fruit. While the means do not always feel good, the end result is the fruit of righteousness – right relationship with God and right relationship with others – in our lives.

In the same way, our consistent discipline, our showing up in our children’s lives in the moments that cost of us something, reminds them how much we love them. We love our toddlers and our ten-year-olds too much to let them eat Cheetos every day for breakfast and dinner. We love them too much to let them treat others unkindly and risk missing the ability to know how to be a good friend. We love them too much to let them demand their own way and get their own way on a regular basis, causing them think that is how life actually works.

The fact is, the time you take to discipline your children in their youth spares you many tears and much heartache when they are teenagers.

This does not mean if you discipline your children well when they are young, they will avoid all problems and any rebellion in their teenage years. Nor does this mean that teenagers who do rebel had parents who did not discipline.

But while faithful, loving, consistent discipline does not guarantee a certain outcome with your children, a lack of discipline most certainly will (see Proverbs 13:24; 22:15; 23:13).

And ultimately, we discipline because God disciplines us as a mark of His love on our lives and legitimacy as His children, and as parents, we faithfully follow His example and in His steps.

The How

This is not a comprehensive list, nor is this is a list I did perfectly (or even semi-perfectly) with my children. But when parents ask me for advice on how to discipline their kids with consistent truth, love, and boundaries, these are the things I tell them.

#1 — Be calm.

This first one item is perhaps the most important one on the list.

Wait to discipline your children from a place of calm.

This is the hardest one by far. But here’s the thing: if your child’s disobedience, yelling, or disrespect causes you to go from 0 to 90 in a matter of seconds, that means pause until you get to a regulated place.

You never want your discipline to become a power struggle with your child. They do not need an adolescent in a parent’s body to give them a consequence; they need you to be in a calm, stable, regulated place. If you can’t be that, get whatever help you need in order to be able to safely contain your children’s big emotions.

Here is what is helpful to know in the heat of the moment: All emotions have a beginning, a middle, and an end, and you never want to discipline your child in the middle of that big emotion of anger or fear. It is better to pause in order to think clearly so that you connect rightly to the heart of your child. Because ultimately, that is what all discipline is all about: connection. You are seeking to connect with and restore the heart of your child.

If your child is young and it is not safe for you to walk out of the room for a minute, then take a moment to put your hand over your heart and take deep breaths. If you need to move to get some restless energy out, do ten jumping jacks or ten pushups.

If your child is older, it is ok to ask them to sit in a quiet place while you go collect your thoughts. It is ok to say, “Mommy needs to think about what just happened. We will talk about what happened when I know what to do.” Sometimes it took me several hours to know the best way to deal with a situation, and sometimes it took me several days. But waiting until you can think clearly and speak calmly is always best.

#2 — Be curious.

Get curious about why you react to your child the way you do because chances are, your child’s dysregulation is triggering you.

Over and over again, research tells us that the most important work we can do as parents with our children is not to read more parenting books or listen to more parenting podcasts but to pay attention to our own story.

In his podcast The Place We Find Ourselves, Adam Young says, “Try to make linkages between your story and those times you get dysregulated while interacting with your kids. In other words, become curious about when you get dysregulated with your children. Rather than being furious with yourself for blowing it, be curious about why do I get dysregulated when my daughter does X. More often than not, your dysregulation is about your story, not their behavior, even when their behavior is atrocious” (Episode 82, “Parenting: How Your Story is Affecting Your Relationship with Your Children, Part 1”).

It’s so true. I have found that when I am raising my voice at my child because they did not do X, Y, or Z, my anger and frustration has way less to do with whatever my child has done and way more about the subconscious fear they are going to mess up in life, miss an opportunity, or turn out just like me. My yelling is to get the dysregulation going on in my own body to stop.

This does not mean our children do not need to be held responsible for their own actions. But it does mean we need to be healed from the pain of our past in order to show up free, unhindered, and wholehearted in the lives of our kids.

#3 — Be consistent

This is such a tough one.

Discipline is never ever convenient. It will always cost us something. You will have to get up from your chair, your meal, or your conversation again and again and again.

But hear me on this: it is worth it. Kids know when you are not going to do anything (at least, Caroline Baker did). They know when they can act out because company is over, or you are in a public place, or you are tired, or that when you say, “Right now,” you really mean, “You have until I count to ten or say it three more times.”

One of the most helpful truths you can teach your child through consistent obedience is: Delayed obedience is disobedience. We never counted to three or ten with our children because we wanted them to know that we meant what we said the first time. This is because one day, when the stakes are much higher, their teachers at school or their boss in the workplace will mean what they say the first time too.

And most importantly, God means what He says in His Word as well. While the consequences for a toddler are usually minor, consequences become much bigger and more dire in the life of your child the older they get.

Our goal was not to raise robots, but it was to raise children who feared and respected Godly authority because the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and a flourishing life (Proverbs 1:9).

#4 — Be contemplative.

When it was 5pm and my children were all whining, arguing, and complaining for the zillioneth time that day, my brain would often just go foggy or go blank. That’s when I would resort to yelling or locking myself in the bathroom and eating chocolate.

If you can relate, don’t throw in the towel and do nothing, but don’t keep doing the same thing over and over again while expecting your children to start magically behaving (that, by the way, is the definition of insanity).

Don’t underestimate asking advice from other parents you trust. My best ideas on discipline always came from other parents who were just a little bit further down the parenting road than me.

But also don’t underestimate the benefits of taking the time to process, pray, and plan.

Sometimes our brains just need a moment to think and make connections when they are not in the intensity of a moment. The time to come up with a consequence or creative way to discipline is not in the heat of the moment or at 5pm in the kitchen. It is in the quiet moments with God.

When I got stuck, I would take my devotional time in the morning to journal and write out the common obstacles I was facing with my kids, the problematic behavior I was seeing, and the ways I was frustrated. I would then write out a prayer asking for God’s help, open my Bible, and read my Scripture passage for that day. I was always amazed at how clarity and wisdom came through those quiet moments.

By the end of that time, I would usually (not always) know what to do, what new consequences to give, or what new rhythms to implement. I would then write out my new plan of action on sticky notes for the next time that the __ (whining, complaining, grumbling, hitting, arguing, lying, fill in the blank) occurred.

I would then take the sticky notes into the kitchen, talk them over the with the girls so they knew what would happen when certain behaviors occurred, and let them know it was their choice to continue in the behavior and receive the consequence or change their behavior. I then put the sticky notes in a place where I could easily access them (usually on the inside of a cabinet door).

When someone would begin to whine, instead of defaulting to saying with mounting frustration, “Please stop whining” ten times with no results, I would open the cabinet door, look at the sticky note, and then remind the girls what the consequence was. There always seemed to be a lot of resistance for the first day or two, but once they realized I meant what I said the first time I said it, their behaviors began to change and peace was restored back into our home.

#5 — Be creative.

It is easy to default to discipline that is easy for us or does not require creative thought. It is easy to just do something you know will get the whining to stop or the result you want without getting to the heart of your child.

But again, the goal of our discipline is to connect with and restore the heart of our child. Helping them understand the consequences of what whiny words or ungrateful behavior does to the relationships and environment around them is one of the best things you can do.

Here are some ideas on creative discipline:

• For ongoing patterns with words – whining, complaining, or arguing – consider a consequence that helps your child to understand that just as sweet words have a taste to them, bitter words do as well. Withhold treats or dessert for a certain amount of time, or have them write a note of apology to a sibling or friend, using their words for good.
• For ongoing patterns of delayed obedience – eating their food, getting schoolwork done, picking up their clothes or toys – consider setting a timer for a reasonable amount of time that you expect them to complete the task. Explain that if the timer goes off and the task has not been completed, they cannot have dessert, or the worksheet will be taken up and they will have to write a note to the teacher explaining why they worksheet is not finished. For toys or shoes still left out, make them “yours” for a certain amount of time. They lose the privilege of playing with or wearing something until they be responsible enough to pick it up. This eliminates the arguing and keeps you from saying a hundred times, “Please pick up your shoes.”
• For ongoing patterns of unkindness to their siblings, explain that their relationships with their siblings are important, and you expect them to speak to and treat their siblings in a kind and respectful way. If they cannot do that, they will lose the privilege of playing with anyone else – neighbors or friends – until you see a marked change in their ability to love their siblings well.
• For ongoing patterns of poor behavior, this chart from Ginger Hubbard was a gamechanger. In one column, she identifies the behavior your child needs to “take off,” and in another column, she identifies a behavior your child needs to “put on” (Colossians 3:5-17). She includes specific Scripture references for each behavior. Many times, I would pull out my chart, talk with my child about not only what behavior they needed to take off at the moment but what corresponding behavior they needed to put on – patience instead of impatience, gratitude instead of complaining, respect instead of disrespect – and then I would help them find the verse in the Bible for the behavior and have them write it out on a piece of paper. This gave their right, emotional side of their brain time to slow down and connect with their left, logical side of their brain without getting into an argument or yelling match. By the time they had finished writing out their verses, I was always amazed at the change that had occurred in their attitudes and hearts.

Again, each of these consequences requires you to slow down, and be calm, creative, and involved with the heart of your child. Discipline is not something you do to your child; discipline is something you do with your child in an effort to build relationship with them.

The End Result

Like I said at the beginning, Discipline is tough, but so are you. Disciplining your child is not hating your child but loving your child and giving them the best chance to flourish at life in the way the world really works. The more calm, curious, consistent, contemplative, and creative you are, the more discipline can become the life-giving tool in your hands as a parent that it was meant to be.

My child, do not despise the LORD’s discipline
    or be weary of his reproof,
  for the LORD reproves him whom he loves,
    as a father the son in whom he delights.

Proverbs 3:11-12